Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Top Ten People That Irk Me

Preface: I wrote this for a non-fiction writing class I took in college. The challenge was to write a humorous top-ten list. It was both an assignment and a contest to see who could write the funniest list. I actually won first prize for the contest. My prize was a cardboard plaque with a dollar coin stuck to it, a tin of liquor-filled chocolates (which I inhaled, and I wonder why I'm fat) and a comic book I have yet to read. Enjoy. 

There are several types of people that make me pray every night for the apocalypse to come and wipe everything out. If I tried to tell you all of them, this list would be longer than a dictionary. So instead, here are the top 10 people that should be hung upside down and have their face beaten with dead cats.

1. Evangelists
No, I don't want to hear about the imaginary friend you have to beg for forgiveness for your oh so evil existence.

2. Cops that think they're Judge Dredd
You are not the law. Or as Stallone said in the movie “duh lur." That badge is not an entitlement to being a bully. Just because you can get away with harassing and beating the shit out of people doesn't mean you should.

3. Obnoxious kids and their parents
Nothing is worse than going somewhere and having to listen to a bunch of screaming kids, while their parents stand around doing nothing. These kids should have their heads beaten against their dads' balls until they burst. That way they'll finally shut the fuck up and their stupid parents won't be able to produce more of them.

4. Political pundits
In an enlightened culture, these people would be considered on the same level as the homeless old guy on the street corner yelling “Repent! Repent! Floss often!” Especially the conservative ones. Look, I also hate Obama. But you were telling me the government was the only thing keeping terrorists from blowing me up, now it's the tool of Satan. Make up your mind, assholes.

5. People who flaunt their illiteracy
I have an uncle who once proudly told me he's only read 5 books in his whole life. He's in his 40s. You have no idea how happy I am that I don't have any of his genes.

6. Anti-smoking activists
I'm not a smoker, but I've seriously contemplated taking up the habit just to spite these whiners.

7. People who use the word “fuck” every other fucking word
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these fucking people? I mean, fuck!

8. Drivers who harass cyclists
Yeah, you think you're invincible in your car? You think you can just yell and throw shit at the poor guy on the bike next to you? Well, just wait until I mount a machine gun on my handlebars. We'll see who's laughing then.

9. Politicians
Do I need to say anything else? I can't be the only one praying that everyone in Congress dies of painful rectal cancer.

10. People with peanut allergies
“But I'll go into shock if I eat anything with peanuts!” Fuck you. Man up and eat the delicious Reese's Cups, you pussy.

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