Why I Want to Fuck Rick Santorum (Short Story)

With apologies to J.G. Ballard.

Castration: Anxiety or Paraphilia?

A number of studies have found that the destruction of the World Trade Center in 2001 has led to a wave of castration anxiety in American males. These researchers argue that this is the main factor in a resurgence of a conservative outlook on sexuality in the United States. However, this conclusion ignores the existence of the castration paraphilia. While this may seem like an esoteric fetish, our research suggests otherwise. In a study of a random sample of 2,000 college-age males, 5% who were shown a video of a castration of an adult male showed both physical arousal and self-reported a high arousal level while watching. Of the 89% that self-reported no arousal during the video, all of them showed physical arousal. This seems to suggest that the sexual appeal of castration largely exists within the subconscious.

In another study of 4,300 randomly sampled self-identified gay men of various ages, the subjects were asked to describe their most common sexual dreams. A surprisingly common dream had them frotting with a partner while being menaced by a public figure with a knife. The dream would end with the public figure severing their penises, their partner first and then them. Mostly the castration happened during orgasm but occasionally right before it. The figure varied widely from person to person. The most common two were Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Other figures included Fred Phelps, Jerry Falwell, Bob Vander Plaats and Rick Santorum. In a follow-up study with the same subjects, Rick Santorum had become the most common figure in the dream. Of interest to note is that almost all the subject described the penises of them and their partners as “standing together like twins” just before the castration. The castrations were almost always described as resulting in “explosions” of blood and semen.

Abortion Paraphilia

The increasingly more common phenomenon of women experiencing orgasms during abortions has only recently become the subject of research. It is tempting to dismiss this as a mere physical reaction. However, the rate of orgasm was found to be the same in women who were given a local anesthetic as compared to women given none. This is only possible if intense psychological arousal is present. Some psychologists speculated that this arousal was due to sadism and their orgasms were the result of taking part in ending what they perceived to be a human life. However, the limited research at present suggests that while sadism is a factor, and the primary one in a minority of cases, the majority of women were primarily masochists.

In a currently on-going study, women were asked to speculate why they felt aroused during their abortions in preliminary interviews. Some answers included feeling helpless and out of control during the process, being “invaded” by a stranger and the cold, “medical” feeling of the intimate procedure. 53% responded 'yes' when asked if they ever had any dreams relating to abortion in a sexual context. When asked to describe them, a common pattern emerged. The dream often began with the woman being thrown on a crib mattress or a pile of baby toys by a man famous for their opposition to abortion. Rick Santorum was the most common, with Scott Roeder and Rush Limbaugh also appearing very often. The man would then shove a bent coat hanger inside their vagina while screaming misogynistic epithets at them. Sometimes, the man would simply punch their abdomen. The dream would usually ended when the man shoved the remains of a fetus in their face and told them to “kiss their baby”. The final results of this study should prove insightful as to the nature of the apparent surge in paraphilia for abortion.

The Psychosexual Appeal of Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum is a common thread in not just the previously mentioned studies, but in many other studies concerned with the impact of politics on sexuality in the United States. This may suggest that his recent increase in popularity, so much so that he is the front-runner for the Republican Party presidential candidate as of this writing, is due to a psychosexual appeal that should be examined. So far, one lone study has been completed on this subject. The results prove inconclusive. The study of 1,300 randomly selected men and women (equally represented) showed a positive view of Santorum was strongly correlated with a high rating of paraphilia for castration, abortion, erotic sexual denial, infantilism and fecal matter. However, these subjects were a small minority. Participants that did not rate particularly high on any paraphilia tended toward a more ambivalent to negative view. Gay and lesbian participants with no high rating on any paraphilia gave almost universally negative ratings as did participants who rated highly for pictophilia and navel fetishism. A major flaw in this study is that it did not control for any possible subconscious paraphilia in the participants. Further and more rigorous studies are necessary.